Friday, 30 September 2011

Blogger Zombie Walk 2011 Special - The people you need, and the people you don't need with you in the event of Zombie Armageddon

Welcome weary travellers to the home of The Rotting Zombie.  Hope you are part of the Blogger Zombie Walk 2011 and if you are not then welcome anyway.  Mainly a place of horror videogame and film reviews I am branching out to offer you my knowledge gained from watching/playing such things.

We all know the Zombie Apocalypse is coming, foretold by both the Mayans, Nostradamus and Pat Sharpe. The people you band up with during that crucial point in human history will determine whether you live or die (or un-die I guess).  To help you on your way I have drawn up a list of people you should seek out, and people you should hope are already zombified when the time comes.

First off here are Top 10 of the types of people you really could do with in your unhappy little band of survivors...

10.  Forrest Griffin

Not only is Mr Griffin quite a good UFC fighter (Ultimate Fighting Championship) but he has actually already wrote a book on how to survive an apocalypse ('Be Ready When The Sh*t Goes Down').  I have not read the book but I imagine it involves Forrest generally kicking post Armageddon butt.  He may be a bit too hard to control with all his strength, but what a sight his final stand would be as he beats the living daylights out of a horde of brain thirsty zombies!

9.  Chef

At the best of times I want to chew off my own feet at the mere thought of doing my own cooking.  Having travelled the globe I am certain in the knowledge that I am the world's worst cook, every single meal I have ever cooked has made me feel sick and craving anything to get the taste out of my mouth.  In a zombie apocalypse food will be harder to come by, tinned goods will probably be the height of fashion.  A Chef with his collection of herbs and spices should be able to make even the blandest meal of tinned spaghetti into a meal fit for zombie surviving Gods.

8.  Helicopter Pilot

I know Helicopters are not exactly in abundance, here in Blighty I rarely ever see one.  Judging from media though they are quite handy in getting to places without the hassle of swarms of ghouls clawing at you and burnt out cars blocking your path.  If I did get my hands on a Copter I would not have a clue what to do with it, I have nightmarish visions of me ploughing it down a street on its side, sparks flying everywhere.  In case of such an event it would be cool to have my very own Fly Boy to fly the thing.  While it cannot hold too many people it could be used to fly to shopping centre rooftops where a barricaded life of luxury could be had.

7.  Nurse/Paramedic

With the NHS gone there will be an absence of response to any emergency numbers called, even the slightest injury could devolve into a life changing event.  I don't know about you but if I banged my thumb while boarding up some windows I would appreciate a health specialist to stick a plaster on it.  More serious injuries such as crashes, falls, setting yourself alight etc would really need medical know how that a first aid book would not be too forth coming with.  Therefore some well trained, experienced health care specialist would be indeed a useful resource.

6.  Handyman

Regardless of where you end up in your own personal apocalypse there is bound to be some frantic barricading needing to be done.  I have seen far too many situations where hastily boarded up doors and windows are easily broken down by attacking freaks of nature.  I remember being in Leon Kennedy's shoes pushing bookcases and cupboards against doors only for them to be destroyed minutes later.  A Handyman would be able to not only organise us into useful teams but he could also instruct on how best to secure the places, as well as build us some nice furniture for when the chaos dies down.

5.  Person immune to the virus

There is always going to be some people who are immune to any cause of zombiefication.  It would be wise to enlist at least one immune into your group.  If you are barricaded into your mansion/church/cinema etc and food supplies are running low then who better to send off on an errand then the immune kid?  They might moan about being bitten, and they might complain about the possibility of their brains getting eaten but they are a useful commodity.  Of course they should not be allowed to mingle with your group for the very obvious reason that they may certainly be carrying the zombie virus so should be locked up/kept in a shed when not out on errands.

4.  Scientist

The chances of a cure being found by studying zombies is very very slight, but under controlled conditions, and a suitable lab space tissue and blood samples of the undead could be studied.  On no account should actual zombies be brought in for testing as that never goes down well.  Your Scientist could also develop cool new weapons for your group to use like electric firing guns and plasma rifles as well as create robots for you to send out to dispatch your rotting nemeses.

3.  Soldier

Soldiers are trained to fight, they know how to use firearms (a skill quite lacking in Britain) and they know how to defend an area.  They also follow and give orders well and with their discipline are unlikely to flee at the first sign of danger.  One with an expertise in communication could get radios up and running while engineers could work generators, and of course vehicle specialists would be handy also.  A soldier with a tank would be very useful for a slow but sure escape from almost any zombie-centric situation.

2.  Survivalist

Near the top of my list for many reasons.  They would know how to survive and would be ready to adapt to any situation.  Lost in the woods (Blair Witch style) they would be able to track animals and find food and most importantly escape the woods.  In an urban area I would hope they had their own underground bunker stocked with food and ready for use.  An ideal survivalist would have a vast underground bunker built over many years due to their healthy dose of paranoia.  I would love to last out the apocalypse in a secure bunker, safe from harm from any darn zombies.

1.  Me

I intend to survive the apocalypse.  If it turns out you have the nine already listed in your team then you should get in contact with me.  I am pretty average, but I promise I wont be any trouble!  I have no qualms dispatching previous loved ones turned zombies (possibly), am used to living on a basic diet, and follow orders well.  For all your zombie survival needs contact me at!

So they are the top people I would want for my group.  All have their uses and would ensure at least a longer survival than most.  Of course if the zombie apocalypse was via demonic means then eventually everyone would be killed no matter where they hid but hopefully it will be a virus, or radiation from a returning space probe that starts it all off.  For every Ying there is a Yang, and so I also have a top 10 people I would most definitely not want to be stuck with for my zombie Armageddon...

10.  Clown

Many people are scared of clowns, I personally don't mind them, the few I have seen in the wild have been quite funny.  But if Dead Rising is anything to go by then the apocalypse will turn any and all clowns into chainsaw juggling, fire breathing mad men intent on destruction and carnage.

9.  Old Person

It might sound harsh not wanting any old people in my group but to be blunt they would be more trouble then they are worth (unless they are some type of sage or martial arts expert).  They would not be able to help much, they would slow the group down if we were on the move, and they would complain about how zombie apocalypses were so much better in their days.

8.  Pregnant Woman

Pregnant people are very dangerous to have around, years of watching zombie flicks and reading books has hammered this fact in.  If a pregnant lady gets turned then without a doubt her partner will defend his zombie mistress with his life, putting everyone at risk with his madness.  If the pregnant lady should come to term and have a zombie baby then she will go crazy and put everyone at risk defending her undead child from harm.  If she should have a child and it is all fine then that is dandy...but it is very unlikely to happen that way, she may even decide the worlds too miserable a place for her child to live in and let in the undead to feast (obviously again not a good thing).

7.  Criminal

Sometimes it can be good to have a criminal with you, their skills (depending on crime) could help you to gain access to locked up buildings, help you fight the zombie threat, or even be a good leader.  But what if you end up with a serial killer, or psychotic rampager?  Sure they will get kicks out of tormenting the undead, but sooner or later they will get bored and decide live humans are far more fun to play with.

6.  Religious Guy

The dead walking will make many devoutly religious people see the end times, when revelation occurs.  Their faith will cause them to strike down the unholy, while their devotion to the Lord will make them assured of their own salvation and much like the Preacher in War of the Worlds they will attempt to banish the zombies with prayer.  Maybe if the outbreak is demonic this would work?  I for one don't intend to last out the death of humanity sitting in some crummy basement somewhere praying for salvation, nor be lectured to incessantly by some mad priest and his tales of fire and brimstone.

5.  Someone with suspicious wounds

While it can seem ultra harsh to refuse entry to a fellow human desperate times call for desperate measures.  Sure that patch of missing flesh on the arm could be from 'tripping over' but it could also be from a zombie with sharp teeth.  Do you really want to play good Samaritan only to have your kindness repaid by a bite to the brain?  If you really feel that much kindness to your new pal then at least make them stay separate from the rest of the group until you feel a fair amount of time has passed.  If the person with the suspicious bite wound is known to you then make your own judgement, I myself don't think I would be able to turn away a family member or friend from seeking shelter even if they had a zombie clamped to their ankle.  Don't wimp out like me, be a survivor!

4.  Evil Scientist

Unlike the normal Scientist the evil one would demand live zombies to experiment on, as well as human test subjects to use.  This would put the base at risk as it is likely that either the captured zombies will escape, or the Scientist will die and his prized subject will use his new found zombie intelligence to get revenge.  Either way chaos will happen.  For a good example of this I recommend the amazing fly on the wall documentary 'Day of the Dead' that documents what happened to a group of military and scientists during the brief 1980's zombie outbreak in America.

3.  Biker

On the plus side they are trigger happy, unfortunately they are also wild, drunk, and reckless; all things that would put your group at risk.  Post Armageddon Bikers do not care who they shoot whether it be zombie or human, while during any emergency they would be too busy playing with 'Test your Strength' machines to actually fight.  In zombie films these types of people are usually bad guys, or at the very least herald in waves of zombies following in their chaotic wake.

2.  Zombie Bloggers

The problem with bloggers about zombie apocalypses is that they all have plans of survival already formulated. All the 'I told you zombies where going to rise up! I was right! I am so god damn good!!' would get tiring quickly.  There is no quicker way to get into an argument then discuss zombie survival plans, this I have learned from experience, so to have a self righteous know it all bullishly dictating the best course of action to a group of stressed, traumatised survivors would lead to disaster.  I of course am the exception to this rule, but only because my zombie survival plan is perfect, just like me!

1.  Annoying Person

Think of the most annoying person you know, now imagine ending up stuck with them during a zombie apocalypse.  Enough said really.

Well that is it, thanks for sticking by, I know these lists are plenty, hopefully this one was not too boring.  What started off as a quick easy post turned into a bit of an odyssey.  Feel free to visit again, and if you are on the Zombie Blogger walk then carry on walking.

Ghost Hunting Theories
Above the Norm: Bizarre Arizona
Zombies Everywhere
Holly's Horrorland
Little Gothic Horrors
Anything Horror
Katy Bennett Horror Writer and Poet
Bubba's Place
Horror Smorgasbord
Monkey Man
Words and Music
Red Shoes Chronicles
The Wolf's Eyes
My Day in a Sentence
Pixie's Horror Galore
Strange State
The Misadventures of HalloweeNut
Halloween Blues
Kweeny Todd
The California Blogging Massacre
Horror Shock Lolipop
Vanessa Morgan
Improbable Frontiers
No Really, You Can Eat It
Art By Living Dead Girl Nicole
Two Gory Chicks
A Dust Bunny in the Wind
A Ghoul's Best Friend
Zombies Are Magic
Cherry Neko Saves the World
Tall Tales
At the Mansion of Madness
The Haunted Rose
The Rotting Zombie
Halloween Overkill
Out of the Shadows
Creepy Glow Keyhole Gallery
Creepy Glowbugg
Bifocal Univision
Sherry Soule
Anchors and Roses
Paranormal Researchers Group
Whispering Pines History
Lovely Miss Megs
Sean Thomas Fisher's Blogwash
Rise and Fight
Stump Town Horror
LoliClown's Little Blog of Horror
Zombies Can't Love
Books and Beyond
The Grave Bandits
Screaming Goregasms
Lazy Daisy Life
Icky Monster
Pretty in Fiction
Ivy's Closet
Justine's Halloween
Annie Walls
Just Johnny


Vanessa Morgan said...

Here for the Zombie Walk. Have a fun day!

Sharon Day said...

Fantastic post! Haha. I love your makeup!

Two Gory Chicks said...

I have to agree with most of your list. However, I would like to have a clown in my group of "keepers." That way, when I'm being chased, I will feel satisfaction of throwing his clowny ass in front of the zombies! hehe.

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Bubba said...

How about an annoying zombie blogger?
(About a 1½ on your scale? LOL!)

Cool lists! Another fun stop on the 2011 Blogger Zombie Walk!

Sherry Soule said...

Fantastic post! Thanks for sharing. Zombies ROCK!! :-D


Check Out My Books!

Bubba said...

Sweet lists Zombilicious!

Zombie said...

dang it looks like zombie mario put on a few pounds. He's got to lay off the brains. lol.

Little Gothic Horrors said...

Good tips for building a better zombie apocalypse team.

Bonus points for reminding us that there are some people would just take all the enjoyment out of the apocalypse experience.

Pangs said...

Zombie Bloggers is spot on.

Daniel Simmonds said...

Thanks for all the comments, and thanks for popping on by, was a cool trip

Katy Bennett said...

I think the annoying person could be used to keep the zombies busy while you escape. great post.

Leo Godin said...

Nice list. I would want the clown from 100 Tears in a zombie apocalypse.

Daniel Simmonds said...

Well in a zombie apocalypse pretty much ever clown left alive would be the clown from 100 Tears!

Johnny Madrid aka Tim E. said...

Hahahaha! Excellent post. Had had me laughing out loud! Great stuff!

aimee said...